Dealing with parents and friends...

BARRY: I feel as if I'm disappointing my parents if something is not going right of I'm having problems. They've always been there whenever I had a problem, they've always been there to help me, and see me through it. But I'm an adult now; I should be able to take care of it myself.

DAVID: For a parent to lose a child is much more devastating than for a child to lose a parent. My fear was, how are my parents going to react if I don't survive? That was always a big worry for me.

HALINA (therapist): We spend so many years of our lives fighting to feel autonomous and separate, adult and mature. When an illness strikes, there's a great temptation to become emotionally dependent on our parents again. We have to fight that temptation in order not to lose our sense of adulthood and maturity. We live in a culture that puts such emphasis on autonomy, independence, and competence. This is a particularly sensitive issue for young men, reinforcing their hesitation really to show their vulnerability to their parents.

DR. MICHAEL (medical oncologist): I've been treating people with cancer for many years. I've noticed that even sincere, well-meaning friends just don't have time to deal with the person who's sick. Also, your disease is too much of a reminder that something could happen to them. That's why I so often see young, intelligent, and vigorous patients who have great hopes and dreams, yet are isolated. They are alone. Being young adults, they don't always have families around them, husbands, wives, and children to support them.

BRAD: I had quite a few friends when I got sick, but ended up with only two. The others disappeared.

CHLOE: I had to get over resentment at feeling let down by friends who were not able to be there for me, and to grow with me. It's a growing process for everyone, whether you're going through the cancer or you're close to someone who's going through it. You have no choice but to grow.

LORI: When I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year I turned to my friends for support, like I always do. Most were great, but one said she couldn't be a part of it and that she could only be around for the good times. I was stunned when she said that-we were such good friend! Later she apologized, and I realized that she said it when she was scared and ignorant.

LYNN: I had a friend who actually thought she was helping me by telling me that I should stop thinking about how serious cancer is. She was acting like it was an ingrown toenail. It was interesting to see how some of my friends caused me a lot of grief and stress. There were also incredible friends who really helped me.

ERIC: One of my biggest fears when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease was that I would go from being pretty popular and socially active to being sort of on the sidelines, no longer included in social events, estranged from my circle of friends because they would see me as weird and different because of the cancer. However, their incredible presence in my life throughout my cancer treatment made such a difference. They helped to normalize my life in the midst of the craziness of this disease by including me in all the activities and social get-togethers that were basic to my life.

ARIEL: My sister got breast cancer when she was thirty-two. It just made me furious that while my sister was in the hospital having her breast cut off, then barfing all night from chemotherapy, her supposed "best friend" gets a boob job! I couldn't believe the insensitivity, that woman bragging about her beautiful new boobs when my sister just had one cut off!

KERI: I think I tired to overcompensate. I realized early on that most of my friends were not going to be able to deal with my cancer because they had no way to relate to it. So I threw dinner parties and had people over, even on days when I was having my chemotherapy, just to prove to them that I was OK. I think it was a little extreme, but it helped because it made them feel that I wasn't as bad off as they thought.

DESIREE: I had a lot of support in the beginning, then a lot of it faded away. I think that when a friend gets cancer, people reflect on death and their own mortality. For people my age, in their twenties, that's a really hard subject. Most of my peers have not experienced the death of a friend or family member; my cancer shoved death right into their faces. So some friends disappeared. But others I never would have expected to come through were there all the time.

JESSICA: As a young person who has survived cancer, I've had to go through the school of life quickly, to learn all the lessons quickly. I learned that it can be very difficult for friends and family to be supportive. I think they get scared.

HALINA (therapist): Maybe people would not feel so uncomfortable and scared of being there for the person with cancer if they realized that they're not expected to have magic words that will make the person feel better. It's not about what you say, it's how well you listen. It's about your ability to bear, to tolerate the other person's pain, fear, and hope. It's about your presence, not magic words.

SHANNON: I have a very good girlfriend who was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago. She had to have a breast removed, but she made it. She has always been thankful to me for having been there for her, but I'm the one who should thank her because she made me realize something. We women have a tendency to complain about our hair, our weight, our hips, our legs. Going through this experience with her, seeing her body changed in such a way, made me realize that hey, my ten extra pounds are really nothing to complain about. And when I'm due for a haircut, that's nothing to complain about, either. She taught me to appreciate having my body and being healthy. She made me realize how precious every day is, and how precious friendship is. I know that she felt very saddened when people were uncomfortable around her. She could feel that people were avoiding her simply because they didn't know what to say, not because they didn't care. She never judged those people, but it made her sad. I treated her as I did before she had cancer. We just talked together and cried together and hoped together and feared together.

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